Clean Jokes

Where do bad rainbows go? To prism! (Don't worry it's a light sentence)

A guy came at me in the bar last night. Got all up in my face and demanded I tell him two things designed to hold water. I was like... well damn!

I met a guy in the bar you had a giant orange head. We got to chatting and I asked him about the head. He said a genie offered him three wishes:

"First, I wished for all the money in the world. And boom, my bank account has endless money in it!"

"Second, I asked for a soul mate. And boom, right there beside me was the most beautiful companion I could ever wish for!"

"Lastly - and here's where I think I messed up - I wished for a giant orane head."

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."

How do you know when your vocalist is at the door? He's lost the key and doesn't know when to come in.

A higgs-boson walks into to a Catholic church, but the priest stops him at the door and says "I'm sorry, you can't come in."

The higgs-boson says "What? You can't have mass without me!"

A neutron walks into a bar and says "how much for a beer?" The barkeep says, "for you, no charge!"

Two atoms bump into each other. One says, "I think I've lost an electron!" the other says, "are you sure?" to which the first replies, "yes, I'm positive."

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve noble gases here."

Helium doesn't react.

A photon gets to his hotel, and the bellhop asks him if he can get his luggage. The photon answers: "No thanks, I'm travelling light."

A neutrino walks through a bar.

To get to the other side.

Why did the tachyon cross the road?

Heisenberg gets pulled over. The cop leans in and says "Sir, did you know you were going 108 miles per hour?" Heisenberg throws up his hands and says "Great. Now I'm lost!"

A mathematician, a statistician, and an engineer go hunting. They see a deer, and the mathematician and engineer line up their shots. The mathematician fires first, but misses two feet to the left. The engineer shoots next, but misses two feet to the right. The statistician throws up his arms in triumph and says, "We got him!"

The red ship crashed into the blue ship

THE CREW WERE MAROONED

A vulture walks onto a plane carrying two dead badgers, one under each wing. The stewardess stops him and says: "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

A three-legged dog walks into town at high noon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other does this taste funny to you?

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What starts with W and ends with T.